Sensible Observations
May 2nd, 2008 admin Posted in Humor |
1. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather–who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
–Author Unknown
2. Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: “Take two aspirin” and “Keep away from children.”
–Author Unknown
3. “Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”
–Drew Carey
4. “The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.”
–Jeff Foxworthy
5. “If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.”
–Dave Barry
6. “Relationships are hard. It’s like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.”
–Bob Ettinger
7. “My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’”
–Paula Poundstone
8. “A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”
–Conan O’Brien
9. “Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God…. I could be eating a slow learner.”
–Lynda Montgomery
10. “I think that’s how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.’”
–Richard Jeni
11. “If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.”
–Johnny Carson
12. “Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.”
–Paul Rodriguez
13. “My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that’s the law.”
–Jerry Seinfeld
14. “Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?”
–Warren Hutcherson
15. “Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same.”
–Oscar Wilde
16. “Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Parliament.. But I repeat myself.”
–Mark Twain
17. “Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan.”
–A. Whitney Brown
18. “You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”
–Dave Barry
19. Do you know why they call it “PMS”? Because “Mad Cow Disease” was taken.
–Unknown, presumed deceased
20. “Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I”ll have another beer.”
– W. C. Fields
May 25th, 2008 at 8:10 pm
Haha, I love the “Unknown, presumed deceased” on number 19. It feels probable.
Here’s a sensible observation from Jack Handey:
“If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don’t think it would be a good idea to say, “I swallowed it. So sue me.”"
May 25th, 2008 at 8:34 pm
The Mad Cow disease one comes from another random day cartoons: here: http://anotherrandomday.com/
May 27th, 2008 at 9:47 pm
The unknown author on number 1 is Jack Handey. Quite possibly the greatest thinker in the 20th century.
June 1st, 2008 at 6:55 pm
They are not all Jack Handey quotes and in #16 it’s Congress not Parliament.
June 4th, 2008 at 8:42 pm
Haha, I really enjoyed that list of quotes. Very entertaining.
June 13th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
hahaha very funny..especially number 9
June 14th, 2008 at 2:04 am
OMG…that was soooo hilarious…i loved #1 and 9
June 15th, 2008 at 10:47 pm
Not just funny…
June 19th, 2008 at 12:53 am
#2 is Roseanne Barr, from her stand-up routine in the 80s.
June 21st, 2008 at 3:29 pm
Not just funny…..
July 3rd, 2008 at 7:09 pm
As far as I can tell, the only difference between Parliament and congress is that the former has a cool accent and the later has fewer insulting, pithy arguments with each other . . .
December 21st, 2008 at 2:18 am
wow! “it’s not parliament it’s congress” no wonder people hate americans. It’s people like you who make them all look bad. It’s called DIFFERENT PARTS OF THE WORLD. Britain and Canada (you know that country to the north that is bigger than you) ya they have PARLIAMENT (along with many other countries) in fact more have a parliament than a congress. get over yourself.
December 23rd, 2008 at 11:49 pm
wow! Perhaps that person was just CORRECTING the actual quotation, not saying that parliament is pronounced “congress.” Get over YOURself.
Think, then speak.
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I agree withAsaIsFunny…
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mark twain said “and suppose you were a member of CONGRESS” he didn’t say parliament because he was American. american has a Congress not a parliament.
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